Photo by: Jerome Rothermund
June 7, 2010
Article by Ellen Galinsky of "Mind in the Making"
The following article is how to make a parent-child relationship close. I found this article to be very thought-provoking. It made me think about my relationship with my own mother. We were never very close and I was never able to be honest and communicate in an open way; I always thought that when I had a child I would never be that way. However, my mom and I become much closer after I adopted my son, we finally had something in common--we both were madly in love with my son!
Now that my son is nine years old I've had plenty of years and opportunities to practice my resolution to provide open communication with my child. I'd like to say we have perfect open communication, but that wouldn't be totally true, but I do try to let him be totally honest with me and say whatever is on his mind, as long as it isn't too mean or "snotty". I also try to be open and honest with him at an appropriate level. We have fabulous conversations on the way to school in the morning--he talks about funny things that happen at school and about his fears and concerns. Hopefully during the years to come he will keep feeling safe to talk and confide in me especially as we approach the adolescent years. After reading, please share your thoughts!
“Why do you think you are so close?”
“I had that kind of relationship with my own mother,” I answered. “I connect to my daughter the way my mother connected to me.”
“What did she do?” my daughter’s colleague asked.
“I was always free to tell her when things weren’t working between us and why,” I answered.
It would have been my mother’s birthday last week—so I have been thinking of her a lot. Her birthday is at the end of May—the time of year when the spring flowers have faded and the summer flowers are bursting forth. As the day of her birthday dawned, my sister and I wrote to each other about her—as we always do—remembering Mother’s birthdays in her 90s, eating “pink-and-yellow-rose decorated store-bought cake” until we all felt sick and fell asleep on the chairs that are now in our homes, not hers. We also wrote about how we continue to talk with her, even though she isn’t here.
But the conversation with my daughter’s colleague took me back to Mother when I was a rebellious and moody pre-teen, a time when I was prone to slam doors, not speak for hours or to yell, rather than talk. Like most pre-teens, I was not easy. And yet Mother navigated my moods with true grace. She would NOT listen to me if I were rude or mean. But if I could bring my complaints to her without being nasty, she would listen.
And so I did. I told her when she wasn’t being fair in the way she treated my sister and me. She told me that I had a point and she worked hard at changing. I told her that I desperately didn’t want to go to the school she had selected for me to attend. She told me that education was extremely important to her and I had to give it a chance. So I did. Throughout her life, I was able to talk to her about what mattered most to me. And throughout her life, she was able to talk to me about what mattered most to her.
I didn’t realize how unusual this was until I began spending the night with friends and saw that some of them weren’t able to talk to their mothers and fathers the way I was able to talk with my mother.
And I didn’t realize that not all kids are trusted and expected to be good until I went to the school Mother wanted me to attend and saw that this school didn’t really trust us; in fact, they expected us to do things that were wrong.
I remember looking at my Mother then with new-found respect. And when my own daughter stormed at me during her growing-up years, I tried hard to keep the door open to hearing her feelings. But I always continued my mother’s rule—strong feelings could be expressed and listened to as long as they were said in ways that weren’t mean and weren’t rude.
I now realize that my mother and I use the skill of perspective taking—attempting to understand what others think and feel without imposing our own perspectives on what’s on their minds. But I only realized this when I was researching and writing my latest book, Mind in the Making.
And my thirty-something-year-old daughter and I continue to talk with each other this way. She tells me what she thinks and feels and I tell her what I think and feel—many, many times a day.
So I thank my daughter for connecting me to her colleague and giving me the chance to reconsider closeness my closeness with my family across the generations. This is a conversation worthy of continuing and expanding.
If you have or had a particularly close relationship with a parent, what did he or she do to make it close? Or if you have a particularly close relationship with one or more of your children, what are you doing to foster that relationship?
Share your thoughts below- I’m very curious to hear!
No comments:
Post a Comment