HOW TO TAME TODDLER TANTRUMS

Mom Wisdom comes in many forms. Mamapedia Voices proudly showcases useful and insightful posts by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.

Photo by: Jared Smith
What? Well Behaved Children who Never Tantrum
May 25, 2010, by Danielle of "Free to be Parenting"

I am sharing this article because it's good to learn about different methods of child rearing--we learn from each other and other philosphies.  I had lots of trouble with my son having temper tantrums when he was a toddler, so I started feel a little put out by this article, but it has some really good points.  I hope you will read it and give me your thoughts and opinions.

I know it sounds like a mythical creature, but Yes, they exist, children who are well behaved and never tantrum. You think next I will tell you about the unicorn in my back yard. (His name is Gary and I feed him rainbows.)

There is a growing segment of the population that has abandoned punishment and rewards for something more effective, that results in well behaved kids who do not do what we have come to believe is "normal", namely tantrums and rebellion.

This all started in the 60's, yes I know you're thinking, "Okay hippie, Peace & Love, yeah I get it." But unlike some of the ill-fated and Ill-conceived ideas of that time, parents (hundreds of thousands of them) have found that these "methods" actually result in happy kids who almost always do what parents ask of them. Not only that, but these parents find that they enjoy parenting and family life a lot more than their contemporaries.

So if these parents are not using the tried and true systems of merits and demerits, what are they doing? There are volumes of books on the subject, but the following is a brief synopsis.

1.  When their kids have emotional moments these parents "listen & validate". Psychiatrists might call this active or reflective listening. These parents let their kids be sad (cry) or angry (yell) while listening with empathy. For example- It's time to leave the park. Kid cries and the parent says, "Oh, it is hard to leave the park, you were having so much fun" Kid says still crying, "yeah I want to stay" Parent- "Yeah, you want to stay and have more fun." The conversation continues (as they leave), goes back and forth with the parent acknowledging the kids' experience. The kid expresses all of his sadness about leaving. Done, move on.

When this is a parent's modus operandi, kids rarely, if ever, tantrum because a tantrum is basically an accumulation of disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. that has been stored up until one final drop of disappointment,etc. spills the bucket and it all comes pouring out. (One Exception- Some kids have been taught by their parents that tantrums are an effective way to change a "no" to a "yes". In this case, tantrums are just a means of getting a desired result.)

You can doubt me on this, but my certainty overcomes your doubt because I know what I know. And I personally know hundreds of families who have children that do not tantrum and I would guess there are many thousands more.

Now, if your kid tantrums, THIS IS NOT an indictment of your parenting. You are doing THE MOST challenging "job" on earth and you are doing it well! The decisions you make on this job have mortal consequences and you only get "on the job" training. So, if you have managed to keep most of your children alive, you get an A++ by me and anyone else who has ever undertaken the duty of a parent.

2. These parents meet their kids needs for respect and attention (bonding/connection). They treat kids with the level of respect they would treat someone they admire. (There is really too much to say on this topic for me to do it here, so I will have to leave it at that.)

Then, they give kids the attention that kids need. This means regular one-on-one time with each kid. Special time that is spent doing something that really makes the kids feel loved and connected. You might think, "OMG, I don't have that kind of time", but if you consider that these parents do not have to spend time cajoling, bribing, dragging kids to do what they have asked nor punishing them for uncooperative behavior, you can see how that would free up a good amount of time.

Again, there are volumes of books about how to really connect with kids and the cooperation that results. My purpose here is just a brief summary of the concepts.

3. When these parents have the occasion of "mis-behavior" from their kids, they look for the root cause and address it. For example- Is the kid hungry or tired? Do they need my attention right now? Do they need more control over choices in their life? Do they have an allergy or sensitivity? (Yes food allergies and additives can affect behavior) The list can go on. The point is that there is a cause and the parent can help the child address it.

4. Okay, you might think that without punishment these children run wild and never learn how to be in the world, but the opposite is true. These parents are the Ultimate Disciplinarians. Discipline means to instruct or teach. (Go ahead get your Websters, I'll wait.) These parents DO teach their kids how to behave well. Because of the relationship they have with their kids, they actually have influence and when they advise a child to "whisper in the library". The kids actually listen and learn how to behave in that situation. (One caveat- They also have an understanding of what is age appropriate. i.e. Telling a 1 year old to "whisper in the library" and expecting it to stick would likely be an unrealistic expectation.)

The point is these parents are continually disciplining (by modeling & explaining) their children how to be respectful, caring, helpful and most importantly how to make amends or restitution for their mistakes. True discipline.

These parents and their kids won't stand out in a crowd, they look just like you and me. They watch Sponge Bob and eat pizza, although maybe less so than the general population. But you may spot them from time to time if you look carefully. They are the ones with smiles on their faces who seem unruffled (or even joyful) in the presence of children.

Danielle Koprowski, ACPI Certified Coach for Parents, has been working with parents and families for more than 5 years. She lives her passion through Free To Be Parenting, inspiring parents to learn how to deeply enjoy parenting. Visit Free to be Parenting to get a Free Positive Parenting Course.

Give me your opinions and thoughts about this article!