HOW TO TAME TODDLER TANTRUMS

Mom Wisdom comes in many forms. Mamapedia Voices proudly showcases useful and insightful posts by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.

Photo by: Jared Smith
What? Well Behaved Children who Never Tantrum
May 25, 2010, by Danielle of "Free to be Parenting"

I am sharing this article because it's good to learn about different methods of child rearing--we learn from each other and other philosphies.  I had lots of trouble with my son having temper tantrums when he was a toddler, so I started feel a little put out by this article, but it has some really good points.  I hope you will read it and give me your thoughts and opinions.

I know it sounds like a mythical creature, but Yes, they exist, children who are well behaved and never tantrum. You think next I will tell you about the unicorn in my back yard. (His name is Gary and I feed him rainbows.)

There is a growing segment of the population that has abandoned punishment and rewards for something more effective, that results in well behaved kids who do not do what we have come to believe is "normal", namely tantrums and rebellion.

This all started in the 60's, yes I know you're thinking, "Okay hippie, Peace & Love, yeah I get it." But unlike some of the ill-fated and Ill-conceived ideas of that time, parents (hundreds of thousands of them) have found that these "methods" actually result in happy kids who almost always do what parents ask of them. Not only that, but these parents find that they enjoy parenting and family life a lot more than their contemporaries.

So if these parents are not using the tried and true systems of merits and demerits, what are they doing? There are volumes of books on the subject, but the following is a brief synopsis.

1.  When their kids have emotional moments these parents "listen & validate". Psychiatrists might call this active or reflective listening. These parents let their kids be sad (cry) or angry (yell) while listening with empathy. For example- It's time to leave the park. Kid cries and the parent says, "Oh, it is hard to leave the park, you were having so much fun" Kid says still crying, "yeah I want to stay" Parent- "Yeah, you want to stay and have more fun." The conversation continues (as they leave), goes back and forth with the parent acknowledging the kids' experience. The kid expresses all of his sadness about leaving. Done, move on.

When this is a parent's modus operandi, kids rarely, if ever, tantrum because a tantrum is basically an accumulation of disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. that has been stored up until one final drop of disappointment,etc. spills the bucket and it all comes pouring out. (One Exception- Some kids have been taught by their parents that tantrums are an effective way to change a "no" to a "yes". In this case, tantrums are just a means of getting a desired result.)

You can doubt me on this, but my certainty overcomes your doubt because I know what I know. And I personally know hundreds of families who have children that do not tantrum and I would guess there are many thousands more.

Now, if your kid tantrums, THIS IS NOT an indictment of your parenting. You are doing THE MOST challenging "job" on earth and you are doing it well! The decisions you make on this job have mortal consequences and you only get "on the job" training. So, if you have managed to keep most of your children alive, you get an A++ by me and anyone else who has ever undertaken the duty of a parent.

2. These parents meet their kids needs for respect and attention (bonding/connection). They treat kids with the level of respect they would treat someone they admire. (There is really too much to say on this topic for me to do it here, so I will have to leave it at that.)

Then, they give kids the attention that kids need. This means regular one-on-one time with each kid. Special time that is spent doing something that really makes the kids feel loved and connected. You might think, "OMG, I don't have that kind of time", but if you consider that these parents do not have to spend time cajoling, bribing, dragging kids to do what they have asked nor punishing them for uncooperative behavior, you can see how that would free up a good amount of time.

Again, there are volumes of books about how to really connect with kids and the cooperation that results. My purpose here is just a brief summary of the concepts.

3. When these parents have the occasion of "mis-behavior" from their kids, they look for the root cause and address it. For example- Is the kid hungry or tired? Do they need my attention right now? Do they need more control over choices in their life? Do they have an allergy or sensitivity? (Yes food allergies and additives can affect behavior) The list can go on. The point is that there is a cause and the parent can help the child address it.

4. Okay, you might think that without punishment these children run wild and never learn how to be in the world, but the opposite is true. These parents are the Ultimate Disciplinarians. Discipline means to instruct or teach. (Go ahead get your Websters, I'll wait.) These parents DO teach their kids how to behave well. Because of the relationship they have with their kids, they actually have influence and when they advise a child to "whisper in the library". The kids actually listen and learn how to behave in that situation. (One caveat- They also have an understanding of what is age appropriate. i.e. Telling a 1 year old to "whisper in the library" and expecting it to stick would likely be an unrealistic expectation.)

The point is these parents are continually disciplining (by modeling & explaining) their children how to be respectful, caring, helpful and most importantly how to make amends or restitution for their mistakes. True discipline.

These parents and their kids won't stand out in a crowd, they look just like you and me. They watch Sponge Bob and eat pizza, although maybe less so than the general population. But you may spot them from time to time if you look carefully. They are the ones with smiles on their faces who seem unruffled (or even joyful) in the presence of children.

Danielle Koprowski, ACPI Certified Coach for Parents, has been working with parents and families for more than 5 years. She lives her passion through Free To Be Parenting, inspiring parents to learn how to deeply enjoy parenting. Visit Free to be Parenting to get a Free Positive Parenting Course.

Give me your opinions and thoughts about this article!

Let's Get UnBalanced!

Mamapedia Voices

Mom Wisdom comes in many forms. Mamapedia Voices proudly showcases useful and insightful posts by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.

Let's Get Unbalanced: Digging into Work
Photo by: Perfecto Insecto
May 22, 2010
by Peri Pakroo

I just found this article about finding balance in our lives, especially if we are stay at home parents with a small business that we run out of our homes. What I love about this article is that she talks about not having balance and making that work. I really appreciate that, because balance in my life seems impossible. I am still a new business owner-- trying to get my teaching studio established and I have nine year old son with learning disabilities that I've had to deal with this year. So please read below and discover that we don't have to be in balance all the time (yeah!).

“Master multitasker” has always been part of the job description for us parents. Add self-employment to the mix, and the juggling act gets even crazier. Being responsible for all the details involved in running even a small firm seems to double the number of balls in the air. And business owners also need to find quiet, focused time to work on big-picture business strategy and direction (and I’ll come back to this in just a bit). With all these competing claims on our time and attention, it’s little wonder that the challenge of keeping a semblance of balance between our work and personal lives is a perennial issue for self-employed parents.

But as great as it feels to hit that sweet spot of balance, since kids have entered my self-employed life I often find myself practically desperate to dive deep and get lost in the business — to throw balance to the wind, even for just a few days. Of course, as any mom or dad knows, kids (especially little ones) make this nigh impossible, particularly if you work from home. I look back on the days when I’d live and breathe a project for days or weeks on end and that reality seems as remote a possibility today as my pre-pregnancy waistline.

Sure, work/life balance is important in the long term (I’ve written and talked quite a bit about it as a small business author and consultant). But sometimes a business owner — particularly those who have no employees — needs to get into “the zone” to get things done. For instance, a graphic designer might need to dig in and lay out a 100-page annual report on a tight deadline. Or a CPA might need to get a raft of client tax returns done as April 15 looms. The owner of a small retail store may need to catch up with generating sales reports after a busy holiday season. But finding the time to hunker down for a big project often feels like trying to solve some impossible math equation.

The problem is, getting into the zone takes at least a couple uninterrupted hours — for me, ideally three or more (better yet, a few days in a row). But fat, juicy time chunks like these are frustratingly out of reach for parents of little ones. Bottom line: kids are zone-killers.

I’m starting to think that sometimes what I crave more than balance is the opportunity to get unbalanced once in a while and immerse myself in work, even if just for a few days. But with a nursing 6-month-old and a preschooler, it’s just not gonna happen.

For me and many self-employed parents I know, working at night is one solution. These days, I do my best work after the kids go down ’round 7-ish. I can get an easy three or four hours uninterrupted work time and still get to bed at a reasonable hour (reasonable for us night owls, at least). If I have a deadline to meet or other important project, I can really get into the zone, working till 2 or 3am. I pay for it in the morning, but a good part of the morning is nursing time anyway which frankly doesn’t require a whole lot of mental effort on my part. So, for now, it works.

However. Even when we manage to get our client projects done, catch up with the bookkeeping, and meet the deadlines — all without letting our children starve or run wild in the streets — there’s more to do when you’re self-employed. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, running a business — even a small one-person firm — involves more than just getting the essentials done. An enormously important (if often overlooked) part of the role of a business owner is to steer the ship, take account of the big picture and define a strategic direction for the business.

Now, I realize that a lot of small solo operators, freelancers and the like tune out at the words “strategic direction,” thinking that I must be talking about big companies with fancy boardrooms full of high-powered executives hashing out market studies and sales reports and all those things “other” businesses do. Not so! Defining your market and strategy, and regularly revisiting and refining those definitions, is important even for microbusinesses like freelance writers, photographers and consultants. I’ll explain why in a future post.)

Of all the tasks on a busy business owner’s plate, it’s the big-picture, strategic work that most often gets the shaft. And it’s easy to understand why. Strategic analysis and big-picture thinking are precisely the kinds of activities that are best done “in the zone.” You won’t be able to take a mental step back from your business and effectively evaluate what it’s doing and where it should be headed in the stolen moments between feeding your kids, swapping out 2T for 3T clothes in the closet, or preparing snack for the preschool class.

Plus, as you are undoubtedly aware, there are always more pressing issues in a business that end up trumping the strategic work. If you are forced to choose between meeting a client deadline or taking a half-day to wrangle with big-picture issues, the client deadline sensibly wins out.

But over time, lack of attention to the strategic side of things results in drift, lack of focus and missed opportunities. At worst, a business owner might fail to see a significant shift in the market that leaves her business out in the cold. By the time sales plummet and the owner realizes what has happened, it very well might be too late to turn things around.

To avoid this happening to you, here’s my advice: The next time you allow yourself a little work bender, dedicate it to some strategic work. Pull yourself out of the day-to-day trenches and put some careful thought into where your business is, and where you’d like it to go. Catch up on your business reading, keeping an eye out for trends and opportunities that may have escaped your notice. Maybe a big new company is moving into your town that represents a possible big customer — or a formidable competitor. Maybe there is new technology affecting your industry that isn’t yet being used by your local competition, giving you the opportunity to establish an edge over them. Whatever it is, give yourself a little time to zone out of the day-to-day minutae (I like to call it “making the donuts”) and tap into the bigger picture of your business.

Also remember that staying connected to other folks and steadily growing your network is a great way to keep tabs on what’s going on in your field. Business owners — especially solo operators — can easily get isolated if they don’t actively reach out and network. Have lunch with fellow business owners and media contacts, attend trade shows and conventions, and interact online (you already know that Mamapedia is a great resource). When you do this regularly you’ll be up to speed on the latest trends, putting you in a great position to make strategic decisions.

Nope, it’s not easy to find the time to do this. But think about how you otherwise manage to get the essentials done, like filing your taxes or finishing client projects on time. The main change you might have to make is simply seeing the strategic, big-picture work as just as important as making the donuts. If you start thinking of strategic work as an essential ongoing task, you’ll be well on your way to figuring out a way to escape the daily distractions, get into the zone, and steer your business to success.

Peri Pakroo is a business and communications consultant, specializing in legal and start-up issues for businesses and nonprofits. She has started, participated in, and consulted with start-up businesses for 20 years. She is the author of The Women’s Small Business Start-Up Kit (Nolo) and top-selling business books. Peri is also a new Mom.

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The Unexpected

When things break it can be upsetting to children, and they often need help getting through the upset. Playing out a resolution to this type of event helps children rehearse an attitude of "I can do something about this." Being able to respond to unexpected or undesitred events in this way is an important life skill.

Fingerprints

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